ROOKIE



I realized it in one ordinary minute in one ordinary mini van.

Driving with an empty coffee and a full backseat, I realized it: I have finally lost myself.  The me of five years ago would never recognize this new, old me.  

I have tired eyes, ones that have not slept a full night in four years.  I have a belly and a heart that have been stretched huge, in unrepairable and beautiful ways. I have a murky mind and a messy bed.

I am a mom, A MOM (!!), in all of its wonderful and wild forms.  This is what I always imagined, and nothing like I could have imagined it. It is so much bigger than I could have dreamed it, and in such small ways. 

Most days I feed and clean and cuddle, and play trucks and ponies and blocks and read lots and lots of books.   Most days there are tears, usually theirs and sometimes mine.  

These are the years chock full of tough and tender moments that I never want to forget but can already barely remember.  I think I will forever be captured in worry and total wonder.  

And all I have figured out–because I am still a TOTAL ROOKIE at this whole thing–is that these days are rarely easy and almost always really, really good.  

And I am so okay with that.  

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